Friday, September 10, 2010

Pirate Jokes

Pirate's battle transformation

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"

"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
A Pirate's Courage
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!

Top 10 things at the dinner table
Top 10 things overheard at the dinner table that show your child is quickly becoming a pirate

(10) "You can flog me, but I'm not eating creamed spinach."
(9) "I've buried me treasure in the mashed potatoes."
(8) "I'll need another ration of grog if you expect me to eat these peas."
(7) "Your tuna noodle casserole would be perfect to fill cracks in the deck."
(6) "This chicken tastes like the parrot I was forced to eat after being marooned on an island for 30 days."
(5) "I wouldn't serve brussel sprouts to even the prisoners in the brig."
(4) "If I eat all my food, can I plunder the neighbors before I go to bed?"
(3) "This burger is fatty enough to grease a mast."
(2) "Too many vegetables - too little shark."
(1) "What did they do with the last cook's body after he was hung from the yardarm?"
Pirate Job
A new guy shows up for a job on a pirate ship. He walks into the galley, where all the pirates are eating beans. "I'm here for a job," he said. The pirate captain looks at him, sort of leans over and lets out a long, low, juicy fart. All the pirates start farting, low and long. Soon, the place reeks. The man, wanting to show that he's tough enough to be a pirate tries to fart but only manages a "Squeeeek, poot..."
It all gets quiet on the pirate ship, and the captain stands up, waiving his hook in the air and says: "I get the virgin!"
1 liner pirate jokes

Q: Why do pirates like Apple?
A: They invented the Ayyyyyyye Pod!

Q: To be effective, pirates need to be what?
A: Scarrrrrry!

Q: How does a parrot start a knock knock joke?
A: Squawk, squawk!


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